The Parents' Role in the College Application Process - An Interview With Desiree Panlilio
Christen Arafeh 
Learn how parents can support their teen during the college application process
If you have a child who is a senior high school student then the upcoming college application process will definitely be on your mind. It is always a struggle when and where to get involved in the college decision process with your children. You definitely do not want to be a helicopter parent!
Once a student is in his or her senior year of high school and graduating, the college admissions frenzy begins. From choosing between an array of colleges, managing application deadlines and requirements, writing application essays, and contacting college admissions offices - it can definitely get overwhelming for the student. These things are on top of everything that's already going on during senior high school.
Parents can definitely slide in and support their children during this time, however, the key word there is support, and not control or do too much.
How Parents Can Support the College Application Process - Interview Q&A Summary With Desiree Panlilio
Finding the "sweet spot" or right balance between being overbearing and controlling and being completely apathetic and uninvolved and leaving your children on their own with regards to the college admission process is definitely a challenge.
With this in mind, Christen Arafeh, an expert in the college admissions process and in getting scholarships, interviewed Desiree Panlilio of Encouraging Teens, a Teen Life Coach who provides services dedicated to changing and improving the relationships between teens and their parents, their communities, and their peers as they plan for the next steps toward the future. Encouraging Teens offers several avenues for teens to discover where they are, who they want to be, and how they’d like their future to look.
Here are the questions Christen asks and Desiree answers in an effort to guide parents on how to approach the college admissions process of their children, how best to support them and what to do while keeping in mind that it is their child who will be the college student and it is the career and future of the child and not the parent.
Q: How did you get started as a teen coach?
I had teens and felt that they were not getting the support they needed. Being a military family we did not have the “deep” connections with teachers, counselors so I started with reading, trail and error and becoming my teens best advocate and coach.
Q: When do you suggest families start talking about college plans?
I think parents need to have an open discussion around 8th grade. Not committing to a major or a school but more what the track looks like in high school if your teen is planning on attending college.
Q: I see parents on both ends of the spectrum, some are overly involved in the planning and preparation, while others sit back and let their teen take control of the process. Is there an optimal amount of involvement? Is there a sweet spot where parents should get involved, but not too involved? Can you tell me what that looks like?
The sweet spot is being the mentor and coach to your teen. It is asking your teen thoughtful questions. I also feel that early in the process 8th grade, freshman it is a start of the school year discussion. In their sophomore year perhaps at the start of each semester and junior year monthly and then senior year a weekly “business” meeting where parents ask the questions and allow the teen the autonomy to do the work and as a parent you are the resource.
Q: What advice do you have for parents who can’t get their teen motivated to start looking at and applying for colleges?
I encourage a “fierce” conversation. It is the simple question of “what do you plan to do once you graduate high school?” Based on that answer you can help your teen create goals and a pathway forward. As a parent you can not do it for your teen.
Q: What advice do you have for teens who wish their parents would give them a little room to make some of these big decisions by themselves?
I have teens share that they would like to do it and suggest a weekly “business” meeting where they update their parents on their progress and to list what help they need from their parents.
Q: Sometimes teens picture a very different college future than what parents envision. How can parents open this up as a conversation?
I ask parents to ask that very question, “what do you see as your college experience?” The parents should also share their expectation of their teen going to college. I am always slightly amused when parents share that they want their teen studying and working hard all of the time. That is not a realistic goal, college has a social component which is invaluable to teens to learn the life skills they will need in life. College is more than academics.
Q: How would a parent know if they are “obsessing” over college preparation?
A parent is obsessing if they are asking questions daily, suggesting strongly what their teen should do. A parent needs to be the mentor, asking the questions and helping their teen navigate the process. It is beneficial to have a college counselor, like your organization, to help the teen. It is having the knowledge, expertise and background to ask the teen the right questions. I often share with parents that they would not tell their doctor how to perform a surgery on them, because they do not have the expertise. As well, we happily have our favorite dentist, hair stylist, so while your teen is going through the college process, why would you not bring in an expert in that arena to help your teen?
Q: Are there any parts of the college planning process that parents should make sure they are involved in
Financial. College is a financial decision and parents need to look at the cost, student loans, scholarships. Parents need to educate themselves on in state vs. out of state, FAFSA. I also think parents should look at the teen’s college list and ask what made their teen put this or that college on their list. It really is an opportunity for the teen to express their critical thinking pathway that led them to the choices that they decided upon. It opens up a dialogue that builds the relationship with your teen as well. It demonstrates that you trust them and their judgment and thought process. It helps with that shift to the young adult world. That is the coach coming out in me.
Q: Are there any parts that parents should step back and let their children be the primary decision makers?
I believe the college your teen decides upon needs to be their choice. I believe it is a discussion discussing all the angles and providing input as needed. I then think the teen has to decide on their own. Our own personal experience was when our youngest was deciding on college and she decided to go out of the country. I was terrified of this choice but she had a solid reasoning to why and is flourishing at college. Had I made the choice, I well, I would have not picked it and it would have been the wrong choice for her and I would have been “blamed” for anything that did not work out.
It is realizing that our teens have sound critical thinking skills and letting them decide their future. And if they “pick” the wrong college they can always change and start again.
Q: Any other tips or anything you’d like to mention?
Enjoy the process through your teen’s experience. This is their experience of the college process. Be their mentor and guide them. Be their biggest cheerleader as they start to understand things. I would also have a college counselor take the lead, it is worth the money.. If the time management of school and the college application process is overwhelming, have a teen life coach help your teen manage their time. This is a skill they will need to learn and the sooner they start to understand time management the better off they will be. Teen life coaches can work with the college counselor to make sure your teen finds the time for writing their essay, completing the common application.
Join the Navigating US College Admissions + Scholarships Facebook Community and Access the Full Interview
You can access the full interview by Christen with Desiree here. To be able to access this though, you will need to join our Navigating US College Admissions + Scholarships Facebook Community.
Another huge benefit of joining also is that you get to be in a group where you have access to a wide range of resources on the college admissions process from applications, test prep, student loans, essay help, financial aid assistance, scholarships, and more - all in one place.
Both parents and their children can benefit from having one place to look for resources, engage with both experts, resource persons and other people with similar concerns and tips, and also get daily posts on related topics which may be of help.
Categories: college admissions
About the Author
Christen is the founder of Hive Education. She is passionate about helping families navigate the college application and admissions processes. She helps students set goals to work towards their own debt-free degrees with her personalized scholarship searches, scholarship courses, and by sharing her scholarship strategies that won her over $900,000 in for her own college education. With four years of experience in higher education, two years working with teens in inner city high schools in New Orleans, and starting her first college consulting company during a pandemic in 2020 she strives to make college accessible for everyone, especially for first generation, low income, and minority students. In her spare time she loves to share her love for books with her daughters. You can find her on Facebook.
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